just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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