Dude my mom stole all your condoms
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
