I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
