How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
