my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
