i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
