I faked an abortion last night.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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