then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
