its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize