I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
