I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
