How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize