just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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