Reggie can tackle my bush.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
