You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
