the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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