remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
