I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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