the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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