it was like his penis was on wheels.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
