the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
