I need to stop coming to work sober
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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