I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
