I think I died a long time ago.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
