I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
