I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
