DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
