I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
