Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
