if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
