Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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