break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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