Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Is Oprah even human
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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