fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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