His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
