3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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