He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
