yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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