i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
