Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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