I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
