in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
