she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
