i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
