He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
