The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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