Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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