haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize