I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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