I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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