she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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