I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
