did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
