I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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