I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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