sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize