I can text with my tongue
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
