yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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