did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
