DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
