Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
