If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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