textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
