I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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