Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Blood and glitter go together right?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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